When you're strange, faces come out of the rain

So i got an e-mail today asking me to bring back "Uneven Streets."

For the uninitated, that's an e-mail newsletter I started when i moved to Houma. One of several (three, i think) short-lived newsletters I've put out in my life.

My original answer was, "i'm already doing a blog, so that's the same thing."

But the more i think about it, the more i like the idea.

A once-a-week newsletter type.

could we see the return of "Ask Doctor Sweaty" or "Random-onium?"

Stay tuned.

No one's been sleeping in my bed, but my tennis racket smells like tuna fish

I thought I'd start off with some reader feedback today.

Hey, everybody, Ryan shops at the Gap! exclamation mark

Misty seemed slightly bothered that i season tuna steaks before i cook them. And i quote, "someone apparently doesn't appreciate the natural flavor of tuna steak. what a shame. what a shame."

Well, dangit, I'm not going to apologize. this isn't a case of overseasoning a steak, cooking it for an hour then drenching it A1. This is seasoning two sides and barely cooking it. There is still no doubt you're eating tuna.

Montie' is fasting for Lent which takes entirely more willpower than i could ever muster. It's only 8:30 and i've already had some chex mix, pringles, three cookies and two mini reese's peanut butter cups.

So i'm really rooting for her.

And did i mention Ryan shops at the Gap?

***

I think I'm getting glasses this weekend.

I have to renew my driver's license by Tuesday, and I don't think there's any way I can pass the eye test right now.

I've actually "had glasses" for about four years now. But people make fun of me, so one day i broke them (accidentally) and never bothered to get another pair. So it's been a couple of years since i've actually worn glasses.

And, yes, I would rather be a danger to myself and others on the road than hear another person tell me i look like a certain other person when i have glasses on. But, alas, there's nothing i can do.

Oh, wait, yes there is.

I'm going to get glasses. try to pass the eye test without them. and if that doesn't work, i'll just put them on to pass the test then break them.

Hamburgers, sodomy and Ash Wednesday traffic

Happy Ash Wednesday, or, as I like to call it, Return to Suck-Ass Traffic Day.

As you all know, Ash Wednesday celebrates the time Jesus got his ass stuck in a traffic jam on the way to the wedding at Cana, so he turned Lot's wife to ashes for acts of sodomy.

The devout Catholics in Baton Rouge relive the event by taking Monday and Tuesday (also known as Lundi Gras and Mardi Gras) off of work to attend elaborately themed recreations of history's first traffic jam (and the sodomy) in New Orleans. Then, they participate in a much larger recreation by driving into work Wednesday and making my commute farging miserable.

I haven't been struck by lightning yet, so let's move on to a less sacriligeous description of my commute this morning.

Ever throw a party and really bust your ass to make it great?

You spend all day in front of the grill or in the kitchen, just churning out plates and plates of tasty food. Then you finish and decide to reward yourself with a tasty hamburger and you realize that everything's gone except a half-eaten hotdog weiner?

That was my today.

I spent Monday and Tuesday grilling (at work...stupid bosses and their protestant work ethic) while everyone else was partying (that's actually not much of a metaphor, since they really were partying).

So Wednesday comes along and I'm driving to work and everyone is there, hovered around the food (I-12 and I-10). And I'm stuck in traffic for a half-hour longer than normal.

Is it really too much to ask that if i have to work when everybody is off, i should at least have OK traffic to drive in when everyone else decides to come back to work, too?

I have no idea where i was going with that...

...Despite probably punching my ticket to hell earlier this post, i will be attending Ash Wednesday mass tonight.

I'm giving up coffee and softdrinks for Lent and also making a renewed effort to get to the gym. this seems like the perfect opportunity to work on the fact that it grosses me out when i see my reflection.

I walk a lawn and i walk a lawn

Happy Mardi Gras.

Hope I'm the ony one who actually has to work today. although i'm sure those of you displaced in the northeast are probably trucking along as well.

i have chili on my crotch. i got it washing dishes this morning. but i didn't notice until i was driving to work. so now i have to hide my crotch from people without being obvious about it.

If I ate spinach I'd be called Spinach D

So here's a recap of yesterday's menu. I think it turned out OK, probably a bit ambitious for my limited kitchen skills. Was fairly impressed that i pulled this entire meal off from start to finish in about an hour and 20 minutes.

APPETIZER: Spinach-stuffed croissants with low-fat homemade french onion dip

Courtney really likes spinach and artichoke dip, but i don't know how to make it. So I decided at first to put some spinach and stuff in dough and pan fry it. Then I decided just to stuff some croissants with it and make something to dip them in.

Directions: Cook some frozen spinach. Cut up some garlic, cut up some artichoke hearts. mix it all together with some shredded mozarella cheese. add some salt and pepper and teeniney bit of cayenne. open a can of croissant/crescent rolls. put a gob of mix in a roll and fold it up. follow cooking directions on can.

For the dip, mix two gobs of sour cream and one gob of mayonaisse in a bowl. add some dry onion soup mix, salt, pepper, and some lemon and lime juice. stir and refrigerate.

The Verdict: presentation really sucked. probably should have used some egg wash to keep the rolls from popping open. but overall, very pleased with how it turned out. Doesn't taste like spinach dip, so if you don't like spinach in any other form, probably not the dish for you. But if you can handle spinach, I'm not ashamed to say that this was a winner.

I give it 4 (out of five) stars.

Side Dish: Cauliflower au gratin
Another of courtney's favorites. This dish suffered the most for two reasons. One, I didn't know how to make it. And, two, because i was in such a rush i didn't pay attention to seasoning as much as i normally do. My cardinal rule is "There is never an excuse to underseason anything." well, since cauliflower is naturally bland, this was the wrong dish to not listen to my own rule.

Directions: Cauliflower au gratin begins with the words that have started a million love stories, "First, you make a roux." melt some butter, stir in a proportionate amount of flower. stir the ever loving shit out of it, then stir some more. this was the first roux i've ever made, incidentally. oh yeah, by now you should have already cooked some cauliflower. so let's backtrack...

cut up some cauliflower. boil some water or some sort of broth. but not a whole hell of a lot, control yourself. drop the cauliflower in, put on the lid. leave it alone for a few minutes. take it out and drop it in a big ass bowl of ice water to make it stop cooking. let it sit for a minute or two, then take it out of the water and put it in a casserole dish...

please tell me you didn't stop stirring the roux, you dumb bastard. ok, when your roux turns blond-ish in a few minutes (i just moved on to the next step when i got tired of stirring) stir in a couple of cups of milk. don't just dump in it all at once, and for the love of pete, keep stirring. stir that for a minute or two, then let it simmer. while it;s simmering, stir in some cheese. i didn't see how much i put in because i was starting to panic.

stir for a second and next thing you know, you'll have this thick sauce like substance in your pan (or pot). pour it over the cauliflower. season it more than I did and top it with some breadcrumbs and more cheese. bake at 375 for 30 minutes.

The Verdict: This could have been a 4-star dish, but because it was too bland, i only give it 3 stars.

Side Dish: sauteed shrimp and mexican tomatoes over pasta.

Whenever i need something quick to eat, i loves me some pasta and rotel tomatoes. so i decided it would make a nice compliment to the main dish. Decided to make it a little better with some sauteed shrimp.

Directions: Boil water. Add spaghetti. not much, because it's a small serving.

season some peeled shrimp. i went with kosher salt, pepper, and a little cayenne. melt some butter in a pan with some extra virgin olive oil. i also would normally add garlic to that, but the garlic i bought was bad because how in the hell am i supposed to know what good garlic looks like. put the shrimp in. cook them for a few minutes until they're cooked.

open a can of whatever kind of canned diced tomatoes you like. I prefer something with a kick.

put some pasta on the plate. add some butter (i used spray butter because that's courtney's preference). salt and pepper and sprinkle with some italian seasoning and a dallop of tomatoes. put some shrimp on top.

The Verdict: this dish doesn't get rated because you can't screw it up and it has a limited ceiling. You could add some bell peppers and grilled chicken and turn it into a main dish, though.

Main Dish: Pan seared tuna steak

A can't miss.

Directions: season the shit out of a tuna steak. kosher salt, black pepper, cayenne, italian seasoning. get a pan with some extra virgin olive oil really hot. put the tuna in it, cooking each side for about 30-45 seconds.

courtney and i both like tuna very raw, so you can cook it for longer if you prefer.

One of my favorite love poems

Read this in The Big Book of Limericks close to 20 years ago at Pierre Bossier Mall and it's stuck in my head ever since. I'm sure it violates all sorts of limerick rules, but here goes:

THere was a man whose love interests were gingery
He tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie
He touched her behind
and made up his mind
to add incest to insult and injury.

Nobody's romancin' cause it's too early for dancin', but here comes the music

One of my favorite things about Valentine's Day is that Courtney is OK with me trying things that are usually off-limits.

Usually, because of how closely she watches her diet, I can't cook anything without her suspiciously eyeing the ingredients or cooking methods. But today, I get to experiment in the kitchen while she stays the hell away until dinner is ready.

i am being fairly conscious about the menu though to make sure that if she doesn't like it, it'll be because I screwed up and not because it wasn't healthy enough. I'll share the full menu tomorrow, because i don't want to ruin the surprise in case she reads this today.

But here's a generic round-up:

Appetizer Based on a Common Appetizer but Not Exactly the Same: I actually came up with this one the other day my ownself. It was originally going to be fried, but i think i'm going bake it. I've never made the main part of it, but i looked at a recipe. It sounded hard, so I'm just going to ignore the recipe and make it however i feel like.*

Good Main Dish: make this every once in a while. I know she likes it. Healthy and hard to screw up.

Good side Dish I've Never Made: the recipe for this sounded hard, too. So i'm just going to ignore it and make it however i feel like.*

Secondary Side Dish: Simple but tasty. Small portion to accent the main dish.

Dessert: Don't really have this figured out yet. Think I'll just go with whatever we have at the house.

*I make a pretty darned good (if i may say so) chicken parmasan having never actually seen a recipe, so this isn't the guaranteed disaster you probably think it is.

So, have a great Wednesday and may you all have someone to share your VD with.

Don't know whether i was the boxer or the bag

Yesterday is that magical day where normally rational adults get entirely too worked up over where a bunch of 17- and 18-year-olds decide to play college football.

As you can probably guess, I am one of those people. I spent yesterday with a list of LSU committments and a highlighter, periodically stopping my work to mark off each name as the signed letter of intent was announced.

That is, until Joe McKnight announced he was going to USC.

I found out from my friend Michael, who sent me a text message. if said text message appeared in a newspaper, it would likely look like this:

F***

Knowing what that simple message meant, i sent him one in return. had it appeared in a newspaper, it would most likely look like this:

F***ing****faced****licking******bag*******ingdingleberryeatingcrotchrot****faced**********

Or, for the sake of space:

(expletive deleted)

I'm ashamed to say I had nightmares last night about McKnight's press conference. There's no good reason for me to get worked up about this.

Incidentally, I also had a dream that an old woman in a powder blue hooptie ran me down on the sidewalk because she thought i stole her microwave. luckily, i came away from the attempted pedestriancide with only a badly sprained knee. Also, working in my favor was the fact that it happened only a couple of blocks from the hospital. Unfortunately, the 911 operator said that since i was so close i would have to walk to the hospital.

But, I'd like to end this post on happy note. So here's a little souped-up Toto cover to help you fondly remember the time you touched the rain down in africa.

pass the mind bleach, please

we all, or at least most of us, have that internal editor that warns us sternly when we're about to say something we really shouldn't.

Mine is screaming its lungs out right now, because i'm about to say something that really doesn't need to be shared with the rest of the class. Common sense tells me just to drop it and never speak of it with anyone, for fear that people might realize how strange I really am.

But I wasn't born with a wealth of common sense. So i'll just throw this out there.

I had a dream last night that Katie Holmes had sex with a horse in a harness over the Grand Canyon.

Luckily, I didn't actually witness said act in the dream.

The dream was actually from the perspective of a newscast. the anchor was talking about a video that had leaked to the public of Katie Holmes having sex with a horse because Tom Cruise wanted her too.

The station then showed a clip of the video, with Katie Holmes and a horse in individual red, nylon harnesses hanging over the grand canyon. Before it showed anything, the newscast cut to an interview with Holmes, talking about the experience and how much she loves her husband and all that. she basically looked and sounded brainwashed.

anyway, that was it.

Andy, are you goofing on Elvis?

we've all been there.

you're watching a band and the lead singer is howling out his lyrics with a guitar dangling in front of him. every once in a while, he'll start to play it, but there's no noticeable change to the sound of the song.

I frequently have to ask myself if the person is just pretending to play so he has something to do besides just stand there and sing.

I've always considered Prince a prime candidate for such an activity.

Not a big fan, so i have no basis for any sort of an informed opinion, but the various clips i've seen of him have always left me wondering if he was actually playing.

but i was reading something today and someone said that Prince is actually a very good guitar player. I was a little shocked.

I have nothing more to say that is either relevant or true.