Idiot

Colin Cowherd was on ESPN radio today talking about Pittsburgh Steelers running back Willie Parker getting a big contract extension. Parker didn't get drafted after finishing college.

Cowherd was talking about how Parker's feel-good story was an exception to the rule. He started rambling about how, as a rule, the best players come from big schools. I tend to agree, but here's his argument paraphrased:

Parker is an exception. look at top QBs Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Carson Palmer. Michigan, Tennessee, USC, all big programs. (He does this for several other positions...gets to defensive line)...Julius Peppers. He went to UNC but played against ACC competition.

makes sense, right? but here's my problem, Parker also went to North Carolina. So UNC is a big program only when used to make the argument that UNC is not a big program.

somebody's going to have to explain that one to me.

home alone

we're just a couple small people squeezing out a life, we need a little good time

woo hoo, TGITLDONFS!

Thank God It's The Last Day Of Not Football Season!

can't wait to get home tomorrow, grab a beer, take off my pants and watch the Mississippi State - South Carolina game. I don't care who wins, i just want it to get here...

...i remembered to weigh today, but chose not to. Don't think the four beers and half a pizza i had for dinner last night would have done much to help me.

her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger, i heard you say

well, i spent the better part of a day this weekend worried that a hurricane would derail the start of college football season for the second straight year. Luckily, it looks liker Ernesto is heading east, and there will be football.

I'm unapologetically a complete a-hole when it comes to college football. When a hurricane is heading toward us, i don't think about storm damage or anything else. I think, "i'm going to be pissed if they cancel the game." A tree could fall on my house on a Sunday and i won't be as upset as i am on a Saturday with no LSU game.

In other unhealthy college football related addiction news, this marks the third year I'm participating in my friend Jeremy's Jimmy Carter College Football Pick 'em contest. In Jimmy C, Jeremy picks a game a week and the contestants try to guess the final score. the closer you get to the correct score, the more points you get.

I started off the contest with a bang two years ago, when i became the first contestant to get a game exactly right -- a 16-10 Miami victory over Flordia State. Things went downhill from there and i ended up finishing a distant second .

Last year also ended with a second-place finish for your humble narrator. However, I am pleased to announce that I topped the pre-season poll for this year's Jimmy C contest. Yes, there is a preseason poll, although it has nothing to do with the final outcome of the contest.

I got two of the five first-place votes to finish 12 points up on the second-place vote getter. I don't actually think i'll win the contest -- there are a total of 40 contestants, i think -- but this is just one more thing to get the football juices flowing.

incidentally, Ryan won it last year, and he's my bet to repeat this year.

Waxing or waning your car

8 days.

One week + one day.

I'm giddy.

Drove through LSU today to get somewhere. They have the "don't litter and please use plastic containers while funneling beer" signs posted on campus.

The port-a-potty staging areas have been assembled.

It's football season (or damned close, anyway).

Normally, this would be Sports Friday and I guess, technically, it is, but i am in no way capable of having a logical sports discussion. all i want to do is talk LSU football, and there's no way in the world i could be objective right now.

So i'll just post a couple of links to things I think you should check out.

-- Check out this cartoon on ESPN.com. i was a little surprised by the blatant female genitalia euphemism (i don't vouch for the correct spelling of the previous two words). If you need me to point it out/explain it, don't ask.

--This isn't sports-related, but it's funny. well, it's funny to me. while you're there, check out the some of the other "missions." this is one of those things where half the people who read it will think it's the dumbest thing ever. if you enjoy it, read the Best Buy and Home Depot missions.

an energetic, apathetic version of another person

forgot to mention the weigh-in yesterday. i lost more weight, but can't remember what it was. it was less than a pound, i think. 188-point-something. i've been half-ass losing weight for nine straight weeks and have lost 6 pounds. that has to be some sort of inefficiency record. only i could pull off something so unimpressive.

***

Had to e-mail a sports illustrated writer today. i felt bad about because i worried i would come across as a jackass and i really wasn't trying to be.

The guy described USC quarterback John David Booty as speaking with a "Creole twang." John David Booty is from Shreveport. His dad is from Shreveport. I've never talked to JDB, but can sleep well at night knowing that the way he talks sounds nothing like a "Creole twang."

Here's the Cliff's notes version of what i wrote the guy (i'm paraphrasing and completely eliminating all the butt kissing i did to ensure that i didn't come across as a jackass):

JDB is from Shreveport, he probably has a drawl. you have to drive at least 3 hours south of shreveport to find somebody who speaks with a "creole" anything. people think everyone from louisiana are cajuns. people are wrong.

that's it for now.

for no particular reason...

And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying,
'O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine
enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people
did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans
and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu—

And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the
Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt
be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be
three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting
that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number
three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall
snuff it.'

earned a master's degree from harvard college, built his house from his architect knowledge

for some reason i was thinking earlier about the lady who came to visit our kindergarten class. I think she was with march of dimes, but it's been 20 years so i can't remember for sure.

she told us about "send a mouse to college." we got a little container and were instructed to collect change to pay for a mouse to "go to college." and for some reason, it dawned on me today what "to college" meant.

i wonder what kind of sick-o actually thinks it's a good idea to convince 5-year-olds that they're sending a mouse to college. i can only wonder at what point an especially anti-animal-testing parent got wind of the program and triggered its demise. (i can't imagine they're actually still getting away with it)

***

to continue with the theme, i've decided i want to get a master's degree. don't really know in what, just know that i need it to be an online study course.

The University of Missouri has an online master's degree in journalism, but i don't think i want a journalism master's. i'm leaning toward creative writing, but like i said, i really have no idea what i'll end up doing.

Bright blue horses are the fortune she lives by

Welcome to Sports Friday.

Since moving souther (as in more south than my previous home, which to anybody who doesn't live souther than that would be considered south), i've grown to become a saints fan. despite growing up in louisiana, i actually lived closer to dallas than new orleans, so i actually saw more of the cowboys than the saints.

while my feelings probably pale in comparison to the longer-term, harder-core saints fans, i must say that i have a good belly laugh anytime aaron brooks is talked about by the media. in the span of about two preseason quarters, he has managed to become a laughingstock, with the general consensus being that he won't be starting for the Raiders by the end of the year...

...other than that, i tend to discount sweeping praise/criticism from the preseason -- particularly early preseason. But i must say i was muy impressed watching Tarvaris Jackson QB the Vikings the other night...

...i think my previously wavering unwavering faith in the LSU running backs situation has returned to unwavering. must've been something i ate. but i'll keep you posted if i rewaver...

...Lately, i've been gearing up for a "disappointing" two- or three-loss season for LSU because of the tough road schedule. But i like this team and think back to a one-point loss in 2004 to Auburn, which got to rekick an extra point after LSU was penalized for "leaping." I'm not positive, but i believe i read somewhere that it was the only time that particular penalty was called in Division I football all season. I think this year's squad is better than the 2004 team (provided the O-line isn't a complete train wreck), so i'm much more optimistic about LSU being at least a key player in the BCS picture...

...I'm trying to get excited about the AL playoff chase, but i look at the standing and see that there's still something like 35 or 40 games left to be played...

...And, finally, for some reason despite living in Southeast Louisiana, any sporting event on ESPN involving a team from Texas gets blacked out by direct tv. so despite being about a 6-hour drive from Houston and 8 hours from Dallas, i don't get to watch any baseball with the Astros or Rangers playing. (I HATE the astros, so that's not a big deal, it's just the principle of the matter).

and all of the kitty cats get out their catty kits

Absolutely nothing going on.

did the weigh-in yesterday. didn't gain any weight. didn't lose any weight.

read this. it's interesting.

And the music can plays and the elevator sways but I don’t really feel like dancin’

In honor of me always having to replace the water jug at work.

*****

Well, ran into a slight problem with the ribs I was going to cook Saturday. I had them on the grill for about three minutes before i ran out of propane. (Yes, i am fully aware that to "correctly" barbecue ribs i should be using some combination of charcoal and wood. But the guy we bought our house from left us a free grill, so i'm not complaining.)

So anyway, I panicked and swore for a bit, but then dropped them in a pan, poured in some Amber Bock and let them cook in the oven for about an hour. Ended up being fairly edible. in fact, next try with the ribs, I'm going to try the beer thing on the grill with some of them and see if they're better than the just-grilled part of the batch.

The rub i made turned out pretty good. Next time will tone down the cayenne and chilli powder just a notch to see if some of the other flavors come out a little better.

Somebody saw him jump, yeah, but nobody saw him slip.i guess he lost a lot a hope and then he lost a grip

Well, despite drinking an estimated 35 beers and 6 gin and tonics this weekend, and inhaling ballpark-type food (didn't actually do any eating at the ballpark itself), i still managed to lose weight this week. only three-tenths of a pound, but i ain't complaining.

I actually did the weigh-in Wednesday morning, but i'm just now getting around to posting it. I need to get back on the treadmill, because i'm sure my lack of exercising lately is going to come back to haunt me.

Current weight: 189.3
Goal for next week: no more than 191

*****

I'm very excited because i'm making my foray into the world of rib cooking this evening after work.

yesterday i mixed my first attempt at a homemade spice rub and subsequently applied it to some ribs. don't think it's actually homemade since i didn't actually grow the salt and other stuff myself, but it was assembled from several jars, as opposed one jar of Emeril's or somesuch.

i did start with a hint from Alton Brown, the most annoying yet impossible-to-change-the-channel personality on the Food Network, and made the "core" of my rub out of a combination of brown sugar, kosher salt and chilli powder. but i used a smaller ratio of brown sugar than he recommended and a larger ratio of the other spices and whatnot.

*****
Sports Friday is back.

I can finally read an assortment of papers in the morning and get caught up on some LSU football. Watched some of the colts-rams game last night, but i ended up falling asleep some time in the second quarter. and now, without further ado, the return of Sports Friday.

Five Thoughts I Think Peter King Thinks I Think

1. Since LSU went last signing class without getting a quarterback of note, i think it's safe to say that Ryan Perrilloux is the QB of the future. So, I ask, why the talk of a three-way quarterback derby? Matt Flynn seems to be the golden boy after winning the Peach Bowl MVP, but somehow people forget that Joseph Addai was healthy for the first time since the pre-conference schedule and torched Miami for about a buck-fifty on the ground. If Russell had played in the Peach Bowl and put up the exact same numbers Flynn did, Addai would have strolled away with the MVP. Russell is all but a lock first round NFL draft pick -- I've read LSU receivers say that for fun he likes to get on one knee and throw the ball 75 yards. i'd have to see it to believe it, but there's no doubt he's got one of the best arms in all the land. he could throw a rubber chicken through the wall of a bank vault. So, you name Russell your starter, Perrilloux your number 2 and thank Flynn for all he's done for the program and hope he sticks around. if he doesn't, c'est la vie.

2. Joseph Addai didn't put up huge numbers last night, but looked like he belonged on the field with the big boys. the Indy offensive line looked overmatched after the first drive, so nobody did much of anything for the Colts after that (at least the bit i saw of the game). Addai ran hard and caught the ball out of the backfield a couple of times. Rams DT Claude Wroten also got some mention for his play.

3. Other former LSU folks who seem to be making good at the next level are Bradie James and Bennie Brazell. James looks to be the defensive leader for the Cowboys after going from an uneventful first couple of years to the team's leading tackler last year. Brazell is standing out in Bengals camp but is stuck behind one of the best receiver duos in the league. he should see some significant playing time once his other competition goes to court for sentencing.

4. My unwavering faith in the LSU running back stable is waivering. Waiting for a couple of stud signees to be declared eligible and Ally Broussard still seems a bit shaky. There's good talk about Justin Vincent, but i've gotten burned getting on that bandwagon two years in a row. Plus, I got Courtney a #25 LSU football jersey for Christmas a couple of years ago and she hasn't worn it a single time, even though she said she wanted one.

5. West Virginia will breeze through its jokingly easy schedule, be the sweetheart of the national football scene, and subsequently get obliterated when it faces a real team in the postseason.

there's a false bottom line and it's falling apart

well, i made it through chicago. promise to update as soon as possible, i'm just swamped right now.

a good time was had by all.

if you were friends with a tightrope walker and one day y'all were walking down the sidewalk and he tripped that would be unacceptable

well, once again i have shown that setting your goals low is the way to go. after gaining weight during an attempt to lose weight, i've lost weight while trying not to gain weight.

i was a little shocked, since i haven't been doing particularly well with exercising and all that nonsense. so let's continue to aim low:

This week's weight: 189.6
Target for next week: no more than 192

***

Believe it or not, i'm working right now. sitting here listening to NPR (for the first time in my life) waiting for an interview i need to hear.

***

otherwise, not a whole lot going on right now. so i thought i'd try posting a video. this is from youtube and it's a clip from the Colbert Report. As i have mentioned before, television news personalities annoy me to no end. absolutely hate them. After Stephen Colbert was joking with a Congressman on his Comedy Central show one night, several "legitimate" news people took the congressman to task. here was colbert's reply:

Either way there's gonna be blood on the floor when you tell her that you don't dig girls anymore

Victory is mine!

to continue with today's theme of stupidity.

one of my daily readings is the 10 spot on sportsillustrated.com. Last week the writer asked why a batter who fouls a pitch straight back is said to be "right on it" but the same is not said when somebody pops a pitch straight up.

Amazingly, this response actually made it from somebody's head, to their keyboard, to the 10-spot in a subsequent installment:

My mail ran about 50/50 on item No. 10 in Tuesday's edition, in which I questioned why broadcasters always say a batter "was right on that pitch" when he fouls one straight back but never say the same for a pop-up directly over the plate. Half lauded my insight while the rest sniffed that clearly I've never played baseball. Brad of Santa Barbara, Calif., offered what seems to be the most knowledgeable response: "Being a former college baseball player affords me the expertise in this matter. When a hitter fouls a ball straight back it is because he swung and hit the top of the baseball but not squarely enough to exactly reverse the rotation. Hitting the top of the baseball creates the backspin required for a ball to carry out of the park, which is why you hear so many Little League coaches yell, 'Swing down and through.' So in this instance the hitter really did miss the pitch just barely. But in the instance of the pop-up, the hitter swung and hit underneath the baseball, creating the opposite desired rotation and inducing a pop-up or lazy fly ball.

i was baffled. just speechless. it actually caused me to have trouble sleeping that night. so the next day i e-mailed the writer. here's an abreviated summary:

That guy's response upset me greatly. there's no bloody way hitting the top of the baseball will give it an upward trajectory.

The actual e-mail was a few sentences longer and didn't really contain much of my abbreviated summary except that i actually used the phrase "no bloody way" in describing the physics behind what the guy contended. then there was this gem in today's 10 spot:

Furthermore, Thursday's mailbag was full of letters saying that the explanation offered by 10 Spot reader Brad of Santa Barbara, Calif., on how a ball is fouled back to the screen had more holes than Mario Mendoza's swing. Many of the responses cited physics, geometry, calculus and other subjects that I specifically have tried to avoid by becoming a sportswriter, so this will be the final word on the topic.

(an aside for the uninitiated: Mario Mendoza)

N-A-T-E and me, the Warren to the G

I had to get my oil changed Saturday and now laugh every time i'm driving down the road. Like most places, the oil change place i use puts a little sticker on the inside of your windshield reminding you when your next change is due and what kind of oil they used.

for example, when i went saturday my mile-o-meter read 72,401. so, traditionally, i would leave with a sticker saying "next change mileage: 75, 401" because of the common practice of getting one's oil changed every 3,000 miles. however,when i boughts my car they told me i only needed to get it changed every 5,000 miles.

so i was next in line and the guy working there took the sticker off my windshield. I says, "On the new sticker, can you make it for 5,000 miles?"

sure, he says.

so after getting into the bay the same guy comes up and asks for my mileage.

72,401, i say.

and you want it for 5,000 miles? he asks.

please, i say.

so he walks and grabs a sticker, pulls out a trusty sharpie brand permanent felt-tipped marker and commences scribbling. then he comes back and adheses it to my windshield.

I look at the sticker.

"next change mileage: 5,000"

because if there was one thing Jesus cared about, it was semantics.

Are one-armed people ambidextrious?

****

In one week and twenty minutes, i will be leaving work and heading to new orleans to catch a flight to chicago.

i'll be spending the weekend with my band of degenerates in and around Wrigley field watching baseball and mingling with the people. i'm very much looking forward to it.

i'm sure there will be stories aplenty to tell. but much like my trip to vegas earlier this year, i shall be far to lazy to tell them.

sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip

Y'all need to check this out, particularly if you aren't familiar with the Gulf Coast of Louisiana and don't truly know why people have been screaming "coastal restoration" for years.

Matt took a helicopter ride over Terrebonne Parish and created an audio slideshow, showing Terrebonne Parish at 500 feet. if nothing else, you'll see why people are trying to conserve every bit of land they can. as matt puts it in the slideshow, "it's not that hard to get underwater when there's all that water around."

If you aren't a native , some terms you may hear:

• "eeldahzhan charles" -- Isle de Jean Charles -- a small island community almost literally on the Gulf of Mexico.
• "poinuhshan" -- Pointe-aux-Chenes -- to get to Isle de Jean Charles, you have to take Island Road (you can salt water fish off one shoulder and fresh water fish off the other) from the community of Pointe-aux-Chenes
• "downthahbayah" -- down the bayou -- there are no directions in Terrebonne Parish. Down the bayou is pretty much south. in other words, it's whatever direction one must travel to get to Pointe-aux-Chenes, Dulac or any other down the bayou place like Grand Caillou or Little Caillou (much like bayou, the ou is Caillou can be pronounced like "you," but it's an "ah" sound for lots of natives or those who have been there long enough).
• "upthahbayah" -- up the bayou -- the opposite of down the bayou. if you want to go from Dularge to Schriever or Gray, you have to head up the bayou.
• "bayahside" -- bayou side -- this isn't actually in the slideshow, but i thought i'd give a bonus entry. much like compass directions, there really isn't a right or left, either. If you're giving someone directions and the place is on the same side of the road as the neighboring bayou, you specify that it's on the bayou side. if you give no such instructions, it is assumed that the destination is on the opposite side of the road.

and as an added bonus, if you close your eyes and listen to matt talk, you can easily picture yourself at an insurance convention during a captivating Powerpoint presentation.

just kidding.

or am i???

everybody woke, tellin the same joke, singing the same chorus to a song that hasn't even been wrote [sic]

Hey everybody. I'm sure as kids you all at one point played "opposite day." you know, you declare opposite day then tell your brother how much you like him and that he doesn't eat his own boogers.

Well, instead of today being "Opposite Day," i think we're going to make it "Obvious Day."

The sun rises in the east and sets in the west.

Today is Thursday.

Water freezes at 32 degrees F (no, i can't spell it).

My eyes are brown.

I'm using a keyboard to type this.

Baton Rouge is the capital of Louisiana.

*****

I know it's not sports friday (which is on extended hiatus until there is something for me to talk about), but i thought i'd share a quick thought.

The NCAA has a rule this year that allows a player who has graduated to transfer another school without losing a year of eligibility. there are technicalities, but basically the rule used to be that unless you transferred from 1-A to a lower classification, you had to sit out a year. i think this new rule is the most stunning display of common sense i've seen come from the NCAA.

*****

Click this link, it's not what you think it is.

i b'lieve 'e said 'e adda go pee

well, i have once again proven that setting goals does nothing but doom you to failure. Last week, i made my goal to lose a tenth of a pound. and look at me, i've ballooned by three tenths of a pound.

This is the second time i've made the mistake of setting a goal of losing weight. both times i ended up gaining weight, while weeks where i make my goal not to gain too much weight end up with significant losses. so it's back to setting the bar as low as possible.

Current weight: 190.9
Goal for next week: no more than 193

***

I discovered last night that, as suspected, my new neighbor might be a little loony.

apparently she thinks i'm the person she's been getting to mow her yard (she even pointed to her car to remind me which house was hers). i assured her that she had the wrong person. Then she introduced herself to me and informed me she was my neighbor. i smiled and let her know that we had met before.

she then offered to give me a number for a person to cut down a tree in my backyard. she didn't say it, but she thinks it's going to fall and land on her house. and it probably will. but it sort of aggravated me that i had to stop what i was doing to let her know that i don't cut her grass then have her tell me it would be a good idea to have a tree removed, so i doubt i'll take her up on the offer for the number.

I'll just wait for a good storm to take care of it.