It's like his thoughts are too big for his size

Well, i made it through Lent without drinking coffee or soft drinks (although i am having a bit of an internal struggle over whether or not my new fondness for tea violates the spirit of the season).

I also have to admit that i was pretty miserable failure as far as using the break from coffee and soft drinks as part of a larger effort to get in better shape. Despite the will power on the drink front, the shape i'm in is still "round."

Everybody's working for the weekend

I made my first appearance on film since the 10th grade at our staff meeting today. And, now that i think about, i might have been an off-camera narrator during our filming of The Crucible, so maybe today was actually my debut.

One of the people in charge wanted to make a video roasting a coworker who turns 40 today. My two brief appearances got some pretty hearty laughs. Luckily, my coworkers aren't really the Comedy Central types, and; therefore, did not realize that my schtick was pretty much, nay, WAS a direct rip-off of Stephen Colbert roasting Chevy Chase. I'll look for the Colbert video later.

There is another work-related development.

The office manager is setting up balloons and whatnot to welcome the new employee here. It really brings the memories rushing back from my first day here...

...when nobody even freaking remembered i was coming.

Can i tell you how much i love getting to work in the morning and reading "Welcome _____ to the _____ ______ Team!!!"? It's like a sweet little kick in the shins.

It's one of those things I'd like to bitch about to the supervisors, but i'm worried that it'll make me look shallow, bitter and pathetic. And I am not shallow.

Jesus shoots one-over at The Masters

This is one of those things i mentioned last week that i wanted to talk about but wasn't sure I'd get around to it. Luckily, something happened yesterday that made it relevant, so i figure i'd go for it.

Yesterday, Master's champion Zack Johnson thanked Jesus for helping him win The Masters.

I would like to address one common response to that sort of statement. "I think Jesus has more important things to worry about than a stupid golf tournament/touchdown catch/ game-winning sacrifice fly."

One quick caveat: This is purely a logic argument, i'm not in any way presenting my own personal views on theology.

Every smidgeon of religious teaching i have received is based in large part on the following arguments.

• God created all people and loves all people, even the assholes.
• God is all-powerful.

So, the naysayers are basically making one of the following two arguments.

• God blessed you with tremendous athletic abilities, but doesn't care what you do with it and isn't interested in taking any credit for it.
  
• God blessed you with tremendous athletic abilities, cares deeply about what you do with it, but frankly has his hands full right now, so don't bother crediting him in your post-game/tournament interviews. You selfish dick.

To say that God had nothing to do with a touchdown catch is to say that, "sorry, we are not all unique and loved equally by our creator." Certain things are trivial in the eyes of the God, and those things are to be decided by religious, non-sports fans.

I think the second argument is more disturbing because it implies that God is not all powerful. By making some things trivial, you are in essence saying that there is only a finite amount of attention God has at his disposal to give at any certain time.

The results of the Cinncinnati-Buffalo game in week 3 is exactly the type of thing God is concerned about, if the basic premises I've listed above are true. God loves the second string receiver and wants him to make the most of his natural abilities, and certainly on top of that, the big man upstairs wouldn't mind a little credit along the way.

No one's been sleeping in my bed, but my tennis racket smells like tuna fish

I thought I'd start off with some reader feedback today.

Hey, everybody, Ryan shops at the Gap! exclamation mark

Misty seemed slightly bothered that i season tuna steaks before i cook them. And i quote, "someone apparently doesn't appreciate the natural flavor of tuna steak. what a shame. what a shame."

Well, dangit, I'm not going to apologize. this isn't a case of overseasoning a steak, cooking it for an hour then drenching it A1. This is seasoning two sides and barely cooking it. There is still no doubt you're eating tuna.

Montie' is fasting for Lent which takes entirely more willpower than i could ever muster. It's only 8:30 and i've already had some chex mix, pringles, three cookies and two mini reese's peanut butter cups.

So i'm really rooting for her.

And did i mention Ryan shops at the Gap?

***

I think I'm getting glasses this weekend.

I have to renew my driver's license by Tuesday, and I don't think there's any way I can pass the eye test right now.

I've actually "had glasses" for about four years now. But people make fun of me, so one day i broke them (accidentally) and never bothered to get another pair. So it's been a couple of years since i've actually worn glasses.

And, yes, I would rather be a danger to myself and others on the road than hear another person tell me i look like a certain other person when i have glasses on. But, alas, there's nothing i can do.

Oh, wait, yes there is.

I'm going to get glasses. try to pass the eye test without them. and if that doesn't work, i'll just put them on to pass the test then break them.

Hamburgers, sodomy and Ash Wednesday traffic

Happy Ash Wednesday, or, as I like to call it, Return to Suck-Ass Traffic Day.

As you all know, Ash Wednesday celebrates the time Jesus got his ass stuck in a traffic jam on the way to the wedding at Cana, so he turned Lot's wife to ashes for acts of sodomy.

The devout Catholics in Baton Rouge relive the event by taking Monday and Tuesday (also known as Lundi Gras and Mardi Gras) off of work to attend elaborately themed recreations of history's first traffic jam (and the sodomy) in New Orleans. Then, they participate in a much larger recreation by driving into work Wednesday and making my commute farging miserable.

I haven't been struck by lightning yet, so let's move on to a less sacriligeous description of my commute this morning.

Ever throw a party and really bust your ass to make it great?

You spend all day in front of the grill or in the kitchen, just churning out plates and plates of tasty food. Then you finish and decide to reward yourself with a tasty hamburger and you realize that everything's gone except a half-eaten hotdog weiner?

That was my today.

I spent Monday and Tuesday grilling (at work...stupid bosses and their protestant work ethic) while everyone else was partying (that's actually not much of a metaphor, since they really were partying).

So Wednesday comes along and I'm driving to work and everyone is there, hovered around the food (I-12 and I-10). And I'm stuck in traffic for a half-hour longer than normal.

Is it really too much to ask that if i have to work when everybody is off, i should at least have OK traffic to drive in when everyone else decides to come back to work, too?

I have no idea where i was going with that...

...Despite probably punching my ticket to hell earlier this post, i will be attending Ash Wednesday mass tonight.

I'm giving up coffee and softdrinks for Lent and also making a renewed effort to get to the gym. this seems like the perfect opportunity to work on the fact that it grosses me out when i see my reflection.